Ah, what a whirlwind

Monday, August 20, 2012

My last couple of posts reflect the emotional upheaval that came my way a month or so ago. You know what stinks about those times of upheaval? It's KNOWING it's an upheaval...an attack....and still not being able to stop the whirlwind.
Insecurity and inferiority. Those are the two most used weapons in the arsenal of the enemy. That enemy comes in many forms but ultimately those forms are just the devil's disguise. He loves to remind us of the past mistakes and missteps we took....to keep poking at the wounds. It's his way of getting us to doubt God by doubting ourselves.
I have connected with "the one" God created for me. We share a love that has withstood doubt and separation. We are in such a good place now. And I know without a single doubt that God has great things in store for us. We are committed to serving God as a team.
Knowing this deep in my heart and thanking God for it, allowed for me to let my guard down. And when the attack came, I knew that was what it was. And I fought it off. And then....
Curiosity got me. Yes I admit it. I wanted to KNOW why. I wanted to KNOW how. Unanswered questions that demanded answers....you know, so I could move on...right!
He was so good at not giving me straight answers. And by doing so I kept getting sucked in deeper. So far in that I thought oh this guy still needs someone to rescue him from himself. Did God bring him into my life at this time because I need to help him? And that my friends is the biggest trick of all.....allowing the enemy to convince you to go under again in the name of God.
That toxic mix with all its allure....and don't get me wrong it does have an allure...just not of anything good, had me on the edge of a huge cliff. There were days where it seemed I was in over my head and never coming back and other days when the LIGHT dispersed all the darkness and I saw it all for what it really was.
Today I leave it all behind. There can be no friendship or rescue operation. He may need help...he does need help. But I'm not the one to do it. God will send the right person at the right time.
All of this whirlwind has reminded me in a profound way, I follow God not the other way around. I don't go before Him just because I think it sounds like a good idea or what He would want me to do. I wait on HIM.